복음은 단 한번도 우리에게

 

'할 수 있다'고 말한 적이 없다.

 

복음은 언제나 '넌 할 수 없어'라고 말한다.

 

미국에서 신대원에 다닐때 하루는 새벽1시에 친구에게서 전화가 왔다.

 

"나 좀 만나줘"

 

"야 새벽 1시야. 내일 만나. 끊어"

 

"오늘 꼭 만나야 해"

 

간절히 만나달라고 해서 친구를 만나러 나갔다.

 

"빨리 얘기해. 영하 30도에 자고 있는 사람은 왜 불러냈어?"

 

친구는 말을 꺼내지 못하고 자꾸 한숨만 내쉬었다.


 

"말 안할꺼면 나 갈래"

 

"나 사랑에 빠졌어"

 

확 때려주고 싶었다.

 

"네가 사랑에 빠졌다고 새벽 1시에 나를 불러내냐? 간다"

 

"아니야. 실은 나 중독이 있어."

 

중독이라니 문제가 심각해졌다.

 

"무슨 중독인데?"

    

친구는 주위를 살피더니 조용히 말했다.

 

"인터넷 포르노 중독이야"

 

나는 깜짝 놀랐다.

 

친구가 말을 이었다.

 

"아주 사랑스럽고 귀하고 순결한 여인을 만났어.

 

그런데 나같이 더럽고 음란한 것이 어떻게

 

그런 여인에게 사랑합니다 교제해주세요 결혼해주세요"

 

라고 말할 수 있겠어? "

 

아무리 생각해도 내 안에 해결책이 없었다. 겨우 한마디 했다.

 

"교회는 가봤니? 목사님이 머라고 하시든?"

 

"끊으래"

 

"그게 돼?"

 

"안되더라..."

 

 

다음날 그 친구는 존경하는 교수님을 찾아가 다 털어놓고 이야기를 했다.

 

교수님은 친구의 말을 듣고는 이렇게 말씀 하셨다.

 

"너 그거 끊으려고 하지마"

 

"예???"

 

"끊어야지, 똑바로 살아야지, 열심히 살아야지 하는만큼 넌 이미 결박당해버렸어.

 

거기서 헤어나올 수 없어. 네 모든 생각과 관심은 다 거기 가있어.

 

그리고 그렇게 다짐해서 끊어져도 문제야."

 

"네? 왜요?"

 

교수님은 두가지 문제를 말했다.

 

"첫번째는 하나님과 거래 관계가 시작이 돼.

 

하나님 끊었습니다, 그러니까 복주세요.

 

여기까지 했으니까 은혜를 내려주세요. 하는거지...

 

그러다 어려움과 고통과 환란이 오면 십중팔구 하나님 필요없습니다.

 

여기까지 했는데 이게 뭡니까? 하면서 교회를 떠나버려.

 

두번째는 못끊는 사람들을 정죄하기 시작해.

 

나는 끊었는데 너는 왜 못 끊느냐 라는거지.

 

나보다 못난 사람 앞에서는 교만이요,

 

나보다 잘난 사람 앞에서는 열등감이 돼.

 

끊임없이 비교의식 속에서 내 영혼이 메말라가는지도 모르고 살아가게 된다고"

 

"교수님 그럼 저는 어떻게 하면 좋을까요?"

 

"네가 사랑하기를 원하는 그 여인을 마음을 다해서 사랑해봐"

 

"네?"

 

"그 여인을 사랑할 수는 있잖아.

 

그녀를 위해서 편지를 쓰고 돈을 모아

 

꽃다발과 선물을 사주고 노래를 만들어 연주도 해줘.

 

마음을 다해서 한번 사랑해봐"


 

그로부터 일 년후에 나는 그 친구를 다시 만났다.

 

"야, 어떻게 됐냐? 그 중독?"

 

"아...그거? 없어졌어."

 

나는 깜짝 놀라 물었다.

 

"어떻게?"

 

"몰라. 그녀를 미치게 사랑하는 동안에 없어지더라."

복음은 죄를 억제하라고 말하지 않는다.

 

억제한다고 끊어질 죄가 아니기 때문이다.

 

그럴거 같았으면 주님이 안 오셔도 되었을 것이다.

 

아름다운 흠모의 대상, 나를 위하여 죽어주신 분,

 

십자가에 달리셔서 하나님의 최고의 영광의 광채를 발하시는

 

그분을 바라보아야 죄가 없어진다.

 

십자가를 바라보는 순간, 주님을 부르며 쫓아가게 되어있다.

 

그사이에 나도 모르게 나를 묶고 있었던 중독과 유혹,

 

나에게 있는 더럽고 추한 모든 것들이 증발하기 시작한다.

 

주님이 좋아서 그렇게 따라가다가 잠깐 서서 뒤를 돌아보면 알게 된다.

 

'내가 이만큼 변화되었구나. 이만큼 성화되었구나.'

 

복음은 이렇게 말한다.

 

"네가 아무리 노력해도 살지 못하는 인생을

 

다시 살아준 그분을 바라보라.

 

너의 죄를 지고 간 어린 양을 바라보라.

 

그러면 너의 인생은 뒤집어질 수 밖에 없다."

 

그분을 미치도록 사랑하면 내 눈앞에 있는 문제는 보이지 않는다.

 

바라보는 것만으로도 해결되는 문제도 있다.

 

그래서 예수를 나의 구주 삼은 사람의 동일한 고백은 이것이다.

 

"세상과 나는 간 곳 없고 구속한 주만 보이도다 "



 2e2fdf0eb6bc1639b8538d77bcf486f3.jpg

 

- 다니엘 김의 '철인'에서 발췌 -

 

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