(갈릴리 마을  최용덕 간사님의 글입니다.

생각해볼 것들이 많은것 같아 다운받았습니다.)



어부동 연꽃마을에서 같이 스탭으로 일하는 이 선교사님께서 어제,
저희 가정을 후원하는 한 교회의 후원담당 목사님께로부터
이 선교사님을 찾는 전화를 받았는데,
이 선교사님의 후원 문제가 아니라 뜻밖에도
<최용덕 간사>에 대해 질문을 하시더라며,
질문 내용인 즉, “최간사님이 이혼했다는 소문을 들었는데 사실이냐?”였답니다.
그래서 하하 웃으면서 “아니다”라고 대답해주셨답니다.

일전에도 기독교음악사역자 전용대 목사님께서 저에게 전화를 걸어와
상기된 목소리로 “아니, 최간사님 이혼했다던데 사실이요?”하고
흥분하여 소리치시는 것이었습니다.

아, 이거 참! 아무래도 소문이 전국적으로,
특히 교역자님들 세계에 아주 널리 퍼진 모양인데
그분들을 위해서라도 이혼을 해 드려야 하나? ㅎㅎ (농이 지나쳤나요?)

아마도 제가 어느 교회에서 청년들 대상으로 강의를 하면서
십 수 년 전 제가 지금보다 더욱 미성숙했을 때
우리 가정이 해체될 뻔했던 이야기를 한 적 있는데
그 말이 와전되었나 봅니다.
이름이 비슷한 다른 분과 혼동을 하는 이들도 있습니다.

그나저나, 어제 이 선교사님께 조심스럽게 전화하셨던 그 목사님은
어떤 마음으로 전화를 하신 것일까요?
저희 가정에 대한 후원을 재검토해야 할지도 모른다는 생각을 하셨을까요?

이런 일을 겪으면서, 제가 이혼을 했든 안 했든,
제가 지금 감당하고 있는 사역은 변함이 없고,
저는 여전히 주 예수님을 섬기는 크리스천이고,
저는 여전히 월간쪽지 해와달의 편집자인데,
저의 <이혼 여부>가 저에 대한 평가와
사역후원의 대상으로서 거쳐야 하는 심사의
매우 중요한 잣대가 될 수 있다는 것을 실감하게 되었습니다.
모든 평판이 그야말로 하루아침에 완전히 달라질 수 있는 것입니다.


이 세상의 모든 남편들은 크게 두 종류로 나누어집니다.  
< 이혼 안 한 남편>과 <이혼 한 남편>.  
그런데 저는 그 둘 중에 포함되지 않는 사람입니다.
저는 제 3의 남편입니다. 즉, <이혼 안 당한 남편>입니다.

한 때(13년 전), 아내는 저에게 목숨을 걸고 이혼을 간청하였습니다.
나와 같이 사는 것이 <지옥>과 같다며
자신은 사역자 최용덕이의 아내로 도저히 자신이 없으니  
자기를 부디 놓아달라고 애원하였습니다.

제가 경악했던 것은, 그 때까지 저는 바람을 피운 적도 없고,
술 담배를 하지도 않고, 아내에게 폭력을 휘두르거나 욕을 한 적도 없었기 때문입니다.
제가 얼마나 잔인한 가해자일 수 있었는지를 깨닫게 된 것은
그로부터 3년이나 지나서였습니다.

지금 제 옆에 바로 그 아내가 아직도 있는 것은,
제가 그 때보다 인격적으로 더욱 고매해지고 성숙해지고
인간이 완전히 달라졌기 때문이 결코 아닙니다.
물론 예전과는 아주 조금 달라졌겠지만,
< 지옥>을 <천국>으로 만들어줄 수 있을 정도로 변화된 게 절대 아닙니다.
그 인간이 여전히 같은 지금의 이 인간이며
어떤 면에서는 더 옹졸해지고 쪼잔해지고 더 쑥맥입니다.

그런데도 지금 제 옆에 그 사람이 남아 있는 것은,
순전히 아내가 저에게 <은혜>를 베풀어주었기 때문입니다.
그녀가 <최용덕이의 아내로 있어 주기로 결단>해 준 것입니다.
다시 말하면, 저는 <이혼 안 당한 남편>일 뿐이지,
< 이혼 안 한 남편>이 절대 아닌 것입니다.

그리고 그것은 단지 법적인 문서상의 사실일 뿐입니다.
실제로 들어가 보면, 지금의 저는
<이혼한 최용덕 간사>와 조금도 다를 바 없습니다.
아내가 그 처절한 결단을 안 내려주었으면(그 큰 은혜(?)를 안 베풀어주었으면)
저는 틀림없이 <이혼한 사역자 최용덕 간사>가 되어 있을 것입니다.

그리고 다들 아시다시피, 만약 제가 이혼을 했다면
한국교회에서 저는 어디 발 불일 데가 없는 사람이 됐을 것입니다.
아주 특별한 긍휼과 자비심을 가진 몇 교회와 성도들만이
저를 염려해주고 여전히 돌봐주실 수 있겠지만
아마도 저는 생매장된 사역자로 살고 있을 것입니다.
저를 통해 세상에 알려진 성가들은 더 이상 불려지지 않고
기독교계 방송에서도 금지곡이 되어 있을 것입니다.
    
그런데 참으로 경이롭게도 사람들은 지금의 저의 껍데기,
법적인 사실만을 보고는 저를 <인정>해 줍니다.
저를 <초청>해서 강의나 간증을 들어주기도 하고,
심지어 저를 후원해 주기도 합니다.
제가 지은 노래들은 <불러도 괜찮은 곡>으로 평가해 줍니다.
제가 편집하고 발행하는 해와달 쪽지도 <읽어도 되는> 문서로 인정해 줍니다.

눈에 보이지 않는 속사람, 제 인격, 우리 부부의 실제적 관계는 중요한 사실이 아닙니다.
그냥 눈에 보이는 그것만으로 저를 <인정, 존중>해 줍니다.
그러니 이게 참으로 웃기는 일인 것입니다.

그러나 사람들을 탓할 수 없습니다.
하나님은 우리 속 중심과 마음속 깊은 곳의 동기(動機)를 살피시지만,
사람은 <외모> 껍데기로 판단을 내릴 수밖에 없는 존재들이니까요.

정말이지, 제가 이혼을 했든 안 했든 본질적인 저는 여전히 같습니다.
제 아내가 은혜를 베풀어주어서 <이혼 안 당한 남편>으로 만들어 주었기에
한국 교회 성도님들로부터 지금과 같은 대접도 받고
교회들에 불려갈 수도 있고 여러 사역도 감당하지만,
사실은 <이혼 당한 남편>과 다를 바 없습니다.
이혼을 안 했다고 제가 더 고상하지도 않고
더 거룩하지도 않고 더 성결한 것도 아닙니다.
뻐길 일 칭찬 받을 일은 더더욱 아닙니다.

반면에 설령 아내가 애초의 결심대로 굳게 마음먹었다면,
그래서 제가 법적으로 <이혼 당한 남편>이 되어 있다 하더라도,
(물론 지금과는 다른 생업을 이어가고 있겠지만)
저는 여전히 창조주 하나님과 구주 예수님을 섬기는 사람으로서,
내게 주어진 재능과 은사로 복음을 전하고 이웃을 섬기며,
삶 속에서 어떻게든 착한 행실로 빛된 삶을 살기를 애쓰는 사람일 것입니다.

만약 이혼했다는 그 사실만으로 제가 한국 기독교계에서 매도되고 비난을 받고
세상에서 완전히 잊혀진 사람이 되어 있다 하더라도, 여전히 저는
지금과 같은 평안, 감사, 하나님의 선하심에 대한 확신,
그분의 신실하심, 인도하심에 대한 깊은 신뢰 가운데
그 어디에선가 <잘 살아가고> 있을 것입니다.
사실 이혼 여부보다 그게 훨씬 중요한 것입니다.

한편, 제 주변에서도 저와 같은 <동지>들을 자주 보게 됩니다.
< 아직도 이혼 안 당한 남편 협의회> 동지들 말입니다.
어떤 이들은 자신이 그런 줄을 꿈에도 생각 못하기도 합니다.
그런데 그 사람이 저와 같은 동지라는 사실을 제가 아는 것은
그분 아내가 피눈물을 쏟으며
자기 남편으로 인한 고통을 하소연하며 이혼을 간절히 사모하고 원하는데,
제가 격려하며 말렸기 때문입니다.
꼭 제가 말리지는 않았어도,
아내들 스스로 눈물로 주님의 도우심을 구하며,
끊임없이 참고 또 참아내며
현재의 결혼생활을 유지하는 경우도 적지 않습니다.

놀랍게도 그 <남편>들 가운데는 현재 멀쩡히 사역 <잘 하고 있는>
교역자(목회자)님들도 적지 않습니다.
장로, 안수집사 같은 교회의 중직을 맡은 분들도 많습니다.
화만 나면 감정을 조절하지 못해 사모님을 향해 욕설을 하고
주먹을 날리는 목사님, 전도사님들도 계시고,
무서운 훈육 선생 노릇하는 남편 때문에
숨 막히고 죽을 것 같다는 사모님들이 의외로 많습니다.
마치 제 아내가 그랬던 것처럼,
차라리 죽고 싶다는 우울증 환자 사모님들도 많습니다.

그런데 이 못난 남편들은
지금 자신이 자기의 아내로부터 어떤 <은혜>를 입고 있는 줄은 모른 채
<이혼한 사역자, 이혼한 교인>에 대해
입에 거품을 물고 매섭게 비난하기도 합니다.
지금 자신의 <이혼 안 한 남편>으로서의 체면과 정당성과 품위, 의로움이
자신 스스로 일구어낸 것처럼 착각하고 있는 것입니다.
어쩌지요? 지금 이를 악물고 기도하며
죽을힘을 다해 참으며 살아주는 쪽은 아내들인데…

오늘밤, 모든 남편들께서는 아내 앞에 무릎을 꿇고
두둑한 <감사헌금> 봉투 하나를 내밀며
“나를 버리지 않고 나와 같이 살아주시는 그 은혜가 망극하옵나이다”고백하시길!

< 에필로그>······
이 세상에는 <세 종류의 아내>들이 있습니다.
< 이혼 안 한 아내>  
< 이혼한 아내>, 그리고
<이혼 안 당한 아내>.
자, 줄을 서시오!

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